Please, Don't Punish Yourself
by Poke-Melody
Summary: Kiran wasn't aloud to be upset. They had no right to be. Alfonse, Sharena, and their mother were the only one's aloud be sad. But Kiran should feel guilty. They could've prevented this from the beginning. It's all their fault.


Kiran had locked themselves in their room when they had finally arrived back at the castle. Sharena's cries could still be heard from their room. A hero had to carry her on their back on the march back because she was crying so hard her body wouldn't let her move with the group. Everytime Sharena took in a breath between her sobs, it was like a knife twisting into Kiran's side.

When they finally came back to the castle, Commander Anna had suggested they give the royal family time and space to grieve. Which was something that Kiran was eager to give them. They couldn't bring themselves to look at any of them. How could they when it was all their fault?

Kiran sat on the other side of their door. Knees pulled to their chest, trying so hard to control their breathing. Their parents weren't here to hold them and walk them through this awful feeling so they had no choice but to get through it by themselves. Kiran wanted nothing more then to see their family. To tell their mom and dad how much they loved them, to give their younger sister a big hug and apologize for whatever petty argument they had before Kiran was summoned to Askr. The Askr Royal Family will never have a chance to tell Gustav how much they loved him and how much he meant to them, and Kiran couldn't help but blame themselves for this.  
All of this was preventable. Kiran should have had thought ahead of everyone. That was their job. They should have kept an eye out for Hel. They should have protected Alfonse...

It was at that moment Kiran realized how useless they really where. They didn't deserve all the praise that they overheard Alfonse was giving them to King Gustav.

It was at that moment Kiran realized how little they truly contributed to the Order. They relied too much on Soren and Robin for strategies, they would never help fight. They were just a waste of space. If someone else was summoned as the Summoner instead of them, then surely none of this would have happened.  
All these awful, bad thoughts just wouldn't leave their head and all they wanted to do was curl up and cry. But they weren't aloud to. Only the people who knew King Gustav where aloud to cry. If Kiran where to cry, then that would attract attention towards them, and that would be selfish. Kiran can't feel bad for themselves when it's the royal family that need the help and comfort.

Kiran shook their head and stood up. Since they weren't aloud to feel sad, they were going to put all this energy and emotion into their studies. To prevent anything like this from happening ever again. Kiran opened the door and walked out of their room towards the library.

-

A few days had passed. Kiran hardly left the library and it seemed nobody really noticed. Which was fine, they felt like they didn't deserve to be near anybody right now. They need to earn that right back.

Kiran had spent the passed three days walking around the library, reading books, and other... punishments... they thought they should suffer with for letting the kingdom down. Not seeing anybody for a few days and getting at max 4 hours of sleep since they locked themselves in the library, Kiran found themself to be a bit jittery and paranoid. But they told themselves this was only the fraction of pain that her friends where suffering with. So they would endure.

Kiran's goal was to come up with ten battle strategies to storm Hel. All were to lead with no casualties, and they were all to be fool proof. Only allowing the minimum amount of food and sleep to stay functioning as part of their self-appointed punishment.

By the third day they only had two plans set up and the toll was already starting to get to them. Kiran was so stressed over the plans that they didn't realize how much they were shaking or how much the room was spinning. The quill pen held in their trembling hand was writing a few notes down as quickly as they could, before the new idea they had gotten escaped them.

Kiran was so focused on their work, they didn't hear someone come in.

"Kiran! There you are!" Commander Anna cried.

Kiran jumped and turned around to face the commander.

"I've been looking for you everywhere, Kiran, where you in here all day?"

Kiran held their hand to their head, the room spinning more than earlier.

"Um... I think so? I-I-I'm not quite sure what da- what day it is..." Kiran stuttered, their poor health starting to catch up to them.

"Woah Kiran, you okay? You don't look good at all." Anna frowned rushing toward them and leading them to a seat nearby. "Kiran... you haven't been in here since King Gustav's death, have you?"

"Y-Yeah, I wa-wa I was..." Kiran said slowly as they set their head down on the table.

"Wait here." was all Anna said before running off out of the library.

A few minutes after Anna left and Kiran was already starting to move on to their next battle plan. Forgetting that Anna was ever there in the first place.

When Kiran started to stand up to go and search for a book, their legs buckled and they fell over. Kiran was just so tired. So tired that they couldn't find the energy to lift themselves off the floor.

-

They must have blacked out, because when they closed their eyes for a second, they were back in their room when they opened them again. They moved to sit up but a firm hand had pushed them back down.

Kiran looked up to see Alfonse. They looked into Alfonse's exhausted eyes and every bit of guilt they felt came rushing back. But Alfonse started to speak before Kiran could think of anything to say.

"Kiran..." Alfonse paused, forcing himself to look Kiran in the eye. "What... the hell... where you thinking?!"

Kiran flinched as the prince raised his voice.

"Commander Anna was hysterical when she came to me, telling me that you were ill! What in the world where you thinking?!" Alfonse's voice went up an octave every sentence.

"I'm sorry..." Kiran muttured.

"You're sorry?! Kiran, you could have killed yourself being locked in the library like that. We have enough on our hands as it is, a dead summoner is the last thing we need..." Alfonse trailed off.

It was then that Kiran's dam had finally burst. They held their hands to their chest, leaned forward until their forehead was touching their knees and just cried. Alfonse had taken a seat next to them.

"Kiran... why would you do this to yourself?" Alfonse asked as he wrapped his arms around the sobbing summoner.

"It was all my fault..." was all Kiran could whimper out.

"Kiran, none of what happened was something you could have predicted. Please, don't blame yourself for my mistakes."

"It is my fault. I'm also the tactician and I need to have plans for any and every scenario and I failed all of you."

"It is not your fault, Kiran." Alfonse said as he pulled Kiran into a warm tight hug. "I'm the one that should be sorry. This was a war you had no business in and we forced you into it. I was also selfish to not even think about how this could have affected you. It's obvious you were suffering just as much as I was. We can work through this together, Kiran. We'll have each others backs, and we'll share this burden. So, please... please, just don't punish yourself."


End file.
